Why?

Sam told me last night over texting that apparently she used to cut herself a lot more than I was aware of, though the last time she did it was in April. And also she said that she was much more serious about thoughts of suicide this summer as opposed to last summer.

I punched the crap out of my pillow and then I started crying. I don't know why. Empathy is a powerful thing.


You must have been in a place so dark,
You couldn't feel the light reachin' for you through that stormy cloud.
Now here we are gathered in our little hometown,
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd.

Oh why?
That's what I keep asking.
Was there anything I could've said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking atroubled soul,
God only knows what went wrong,
And why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen as a seventeen-year-old,
Rounding third to score the winning run.
You always played with passion,
No matter what the game.
When you took the stage you'd shine just like the sun.

Oh why?
That's what I keep asking.
Was there anything I could've said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking atroubled soul,
God only knows what went wrong,
And why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying,
In the early autumn breeze.
A golden sun is shining on my face,
Through tangled thoughts,
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that bad of a place.

Oh why?
There's no comprehending,
And who am I to try to judge or explain?
Oh, but I do have one burning question;
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong, they lied.
Now you're gone and we cry
'Cause it's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song.

Your beautiful song,
Your absolutely beautiful song.

If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you sad?

Dear, God, Buddha , Natalie, whoever is looking down on me,
What do you have against me, exactly?

It seems that it's either karma, irony or just bad luck but whenever I do something or make some sort of completely accurate generalization about something, it seems to come back to haunt me almost immediately. Think I'm kidding?

Back in October, I had made up my mind (during Science class because I hate Science class and I reach my brilliant realizations when I should be learning about stars or something) that I want every single boy who wears his pants below his waist and thinks he's Eminem to die painfully. Not even two days later did a boy from my Science class (who I'm pretty sure prays to Tupac every night that he can be hood like the boys from his video games) asks me out.

Two or three days ago, Kayla and I watched 'Boy Interrupted' which is about this whiny little boy who had Bipolar depression and killed himself when he was 15. Boo-fucking-hoo. We only watched it because it was on TiVo and there is no such thing as interesting daytime TV. Anyway, the point is, it pissed me off and I went on a rant about how I hate suicidal kids and how they whine and how weak they are how and how we as humans have one job in life and that is to be alive and they can't handle it (real Grade A stuff, if you ask me.) Where's the irony? According to Sam's recent blog posts, well, I'm going to have to be on suicide/depression watch again. Awesome.

Did I mention that I hate my life?
No?
Okay, well, I hate my life.

Michael Jackson's death uproar aside, now Sam seems to think that I am replacing her with Laurie.

T_T

Seriously. As if I of all people would ever inflict the only serious emotional trauma I've received onto someone I actually care about. Laurie is not replacing Sam. I don't know how many times I can say it.

But being 100%, I felt my anti-suicide rant was justified. I hate suicidal people. I don't give a fuck if it sounds cruel. The Rascal Flatts song 'Why' just came on shuffle and it's about suicide and I don't like it. At all. I only have it on iTunes because Jay's voice makes me happy and he talks in the beginning of the song. But, the point I'm trying to make is, I'm just sick of all this drama all the time. When does life get peaceful?

Sam according to her blog, that I'm never around to talk or something? I have no idea. She's acting like I'm a different person just because I have a new friend. Though, lately, I do feel a little bit different. I let go of 7th grade, finally. It was to me what 8th grade was to Sam. It was the year I had to let go of to move forward. I do feel better now that I have moved past it but it isn't as big a difference as I assumed. But I DID move past it and that's all that matters to me.

I don't write Slade.
I don't like Andrew.
I don't talk to Nicole.
I don't hate Tom.
I'm not even 100% sure if 'So Hard' is my favorite song anymore.

And I'm okay with this. I've grown up. I'm glad to say so. I don't want to be the same kid I was back then. But that doesn't have any relevance to Sam and my friendship.

Whatever. I'm tired. Forget this.

Let's go Murph.

Daniel Murphy's batting clean-up for the Mets tonight.
This is a bad idea.

I don't wanna be,
Anything other than,
What I've been,
Trying to be lately.

(Also with the new found precedent of these very short posts, this is looking more like a Twitter than a blog, isn't it?)

The proof that she couldn't deny.

I forgot something;

I wish Michael Jackson was alive again so I could use the heaven machine to go back in time to when he was that ugly little rodent in the Jackson 5 and break his neck, using his fucking afro as a grip.

Haha.

And she dreams she's dancing,
Around and around,
Without any cares.
And her very first love,
Is holding her close.
And the soft wind is blowing her hair.


(Real musical geniuses = Rascal Flatts. 'Beat It' sucks Jermaine's dick)

I walk alone, while ya'll tryin' anything to get on.

I snapped on Sam last night because I was sick of her putting a dead child molester before her best friend. That looks weird when you type it.

That's all.


Your whole perception had changed,
And you accept it 'cause you made it.
But when your funds faded,
You treat it like a scoundrel.
So obviously, your homies never gave a damn about you.

Random Vent/Boredom Blog (Sam, don't read this.)

It's been weeks and the Michael Jackson death shit-storm has yet to subside.

But the plot thickened since now they're thinking it might be a homicide!! Oh, joyous occasion. I want to find out whodunit so I can send them a fruit basket or a StarBucks gift card of a puppy or something. Seriously, whoever did it, I thank you abundantly.

Granted, the media shit-storm is annoying, but whatever, I can deal knowing that MJ is dead. EVENTUALLY (and I say that with hope) this downpour of MJ obsession will die soon enough (seriously, I am very sick of going to lyric sites or MP3 download sites and seeing the top 3 most popular song selection choices being 1. Billie Jean. 2. Beat It. 3. Thriller.)

I also watched the MJ Memorial BS. Why? I'm not sure. Part of me wanted to see what was going to happen. Another part of me was only watching it because I knew that 98% of the world was watching (this proving my point that 98% of the world is homosexual)

The memorial was retarded. It was supposed to end at 3 (I was planning on watching General Hospital after because I was bored and apparently in a gay mood) but it ended at 4.

Kayla had the greeeeeeeeattttesst joke ever;

"You know what? I'd love it if Beyonce ran up on stage and just yelled 'HE TOUUUCHEED MAAH CHIIIAAALLLDD!!'"

I raised her right. That made me laugh for like 18 minutes straight.

I couldn't tell Sam this because she would get pissed at me or try to kill my little sister. Which, I guess is understandable. To be 110% honest, ever since Michael Fuckhead died, our relationship has been a little edgy. Why? Well, she likes MJ, she believes he's innocent and she's sad that he is dead. If you haven't realized by now, I feel differently. Between this and our opinions on war, I don't understand how we're friends sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I love Sam. She's my best friend in the whole world. It just seems that we have very different opinions on things. But even when we disagree, I still know we'll always be best friends. Though lately things have been weird (I don't fault the MJ death completely. Some other things have caused a little tension though I can't identify them all), I know we'll get through it. It's just been strange lately and I'm not entirely sure why. She's been kinda ignoring me, not answering calls and stuff. She signs on AIM just to sign off. She blows me off for 'specials' then claims it's 'nothing I'd be interested in'. Come on, she's seriously neglected me for Michael Fuckhead specials on more than one occasion and that makes me mad. But whatever, I'm hoping it will pass soon. If it continues for more than another week, I'll talk to her about it or something. Who knows.

Oh, something else interesting happened. I was watching 'America's Got Talent', which was odd because we haven't watched the auditions at all this season. My back was turned to the TV, as always, and I heard David Hasslehoff say something along the lines of 'Why do you think you deserve another chance' or 'How did you change since last audition' or something of the sort. I thought quickly, 'hah, wouldn't it be funny if that was Mia?'. I had thought this earlier in the show when they said they were in NYC. I thought that NYC isn't too far from Boston and it'd be kinda funny if Mia re-auditioned. To add MORE irony, ten minutes prior the the Hoff making his 'how did you change?' remark, Sam and I were discussing AGT and she said she doesn't like the show now that Mia wasn't on.

Either way, David Hasslehoff said whatever he said and then I heard a very familiar voice answer him.

My mom goes "Kristyn! There's the girl you stalk online!". As mean as that was, I was already turned around and staring at the beautiful and talented Mia Boostrom (in High Def, mind you). My heart stopped. I HAD TO TELL SAM. SHE WAS GOING TO BE HAPPY (that was my only thought process. This proves that I am a good friend :P) Of course, she was happy. Mia rocked the audition and made it to Vegas. Not really a surprise since she is a rockstar (or as Chris says; a Goddess).

Mia is a total badass though. I was talking to her on Facebook the night of the AGT episode since it was 12:30 in the morning and everyone else I knew had left me (Laurie went to NYC, Chris went to Vermont and Sam went to Brick...which usually wouldn't be anti-communication but apparently she's in another dimension with no phones or computers). If I could sing half as well as she could, I'd be more helpful than I am to Titan Square (MY BAND FINALLY HAS A NAME!!)

What else happened...hmmm. I tried to get Sam to write more for her 'All At Once' fan fiction but she seems to refuse. I don't know why exactly, but she does. I think if she wrote like two more chapters, it would make my summer. But whatever. Writing geniuses are stubborn I suppose. She seems to think that it sucks or something but in all honesty, it's the best fan fiction I ever read. And I'm a semi-pro fan fic writer! I have read A LOT of fan fics in my time and hers is BY FAR the greatest ever. And she doesn't want to finish it! What a waste of brilliance!!

Lastly, Jimmy is having surgery on Monday. Real, legit, kidney surgery. I'm nervous for him. This brings up feelings of when Nicole had surgery. Granted, Nicole seems to be Queen of Darkness now but at the time, we were friends and when your friend gets surgery, it's scary. Especially since JDog has kidney problems prior. I'm getting him a little gift that he'll hopefully take with him to the hospital Monday where he has to stay for 3 days after. I'm scared to death but Jimmy's a strong young kid and he'll probably be just fine. Either way, I'm gonna be a nervous wreck like I was the night before and the day of Nicole's surgery.

Well, I should go to bed now. I've got important things to attend to. Sort of. Whatever, I'm tired.

Always end with a song quote;

I melt every time you look at me that way,
It never fails; anytime, any place.
This burn in me's the coolest thing I've ever felt.
I melt.

[3 things about this song;
1. It has the greatest line in the world!! ('This burn in me's the coolest thing I've ever felt' has officially become my favorite song lyric of all time. It even beat out the line from 'Lucky Ones'.

2. In the 'I Melt' video, Joe Don is doing some model chick and you totally see his ass. I'm not kidding, apparently Flatts started a controversy over the fact that it was a country MV with nudity. I'm allllll for it. More Flatts nudity, I say!

3. ONLY Rascal Flatts can write a song about being horny and make it a chart-topping ballad. Think I'm kidding? Google the lyrics.]

A word about MJ...

So it's been like 48 hours since MJ died, right? I've observed many people's opinions on him and I've come up with a conclusion:

People are retarded.

Stay with me, I'm going somewhere with this.

(This may get angry, I appologize.)

First of all, I don't give a damn if Michael Jackson was a 'music legend' and that will be 'missed' (um?) He will not be missed. I don't fucking care if he was the greatest mucisian to ever be alive. Sorry, I don't like pedophiles. Not my taste. His musical 'ability' (and you know what? I'll admit it. I hate his fucking music. I like two songs from the Jackson 5 and I only like the versions sung by Kaitlyn Maher and the Wright Kids. He was a sucky singer, his songs blew hard and I wish he never produced an album. Fucking sue me!) has nothing to do with his FETISH FOR LITTLE BOYS. Yes, everything I say will come back to that because celebrity or not, if you molest little boys, you molest little boys. Is everyone forgetting about that?

Secondly, if you think he didn't touch those boys, you're straight-up RETARD. I'm talking mentally-challenged-you-need-a-fucking-helmet-and-a-seat-in-the-back-of-the-bus-type retarded. What is your best argument, huh? 'He wasn't convicted!' Yeah? Fuck you, neither was OJ, dumbass. 'Well, he didn't go to prison!' Neither did Chris Brown, douche. He touched those little boys and if you can honestly stand here and feel sorry for a man who molested children, you are really FUCKED UP. And when I say 'FUCKED UP' I mean BIG TIME. I state again, you feel free to argue Michael's innocence all you want. But if you can stand here and say to me that he didn't do it, not only are you the dumbest person to ever live, you also DIDN'T follow up on the trial or the evidence.

I cannot understand people who have an ounce of sympathy for him or his freaky little kids. Blanket, Prince and whatever the hell the third little weirdos name is (probaby 'Coconut' or 'Tupperware') They're BETTER OFF without him. At least no one will try to touch them or hang them out of balconys. Also, if you want to blame his childhood for shit, you're an even bigger moron than I thought you were. Plenty of people have had messed up childhoods. How many of them put an amusement park in their backyards, sleep in the same bed as young boys and claim it's 'a form of love' and then pay of a family of ONE of the boys they touch? Ummm...just the 1. And that's Michael Jackson.

I'm gonna stand by how I feel on this and continue to spit fire at the retards who sit and weep over the death of a 'beloved' scum of the earth. I don't care WHO you are. If you harm a child, you deserve to die. He may've just been " ACCUSED " of it, but we all know it fucking happened. So as I've said before, I'm glad he died, I hope he suffered, he is currently burning painfully in hell and I'm glad he's gone forever and ever.

MJ, you suck. I hate you. You were a disgusting waste of skin and the world is a much, much better place without you on it.

Whoever supports MJ and vows that he's innocent, fuck you.
You suck too.
You're an idiot and if I am in arms reach of you, you're taking a fist to the Adam's-apple.