Deja Vu Was Over ... Or So I Thought.

There is nothing 'skill' about this blog. There is not a single person that reads this. It is a collection of things I want to say. And in roughly two hours, June will begin. I have waited all year for June; I love June. School's almost over, the only real work we have to do is our finals, the weather's getting nice, the Stanley Cup's winding down. Normally it's a great time. Then last year set a rather unfortunate precedent where June sucks.

True, this blog is out of loneliness and boredom. Both of my best friends just signed offline (10:08:49 then 10:10:21 ... so lonely!) But in all honesty, I just need to express some stuff that I normally wouldn't. I'm worried about June. I'm worried about my best friend's emotional state. Will she be okay? Will she be able to handle the upcoming anniversaries of the events of 2008? Normally, I'd say yes. She's strong. She handles things differently than most but overall, handles things better than most. But lately, I don't know. She's been different. I called her like a half hour ago and I could hear it in her voice that something was up. I should've put the pieces together that June was almost here but I'm selfish and was caught up in school work and my own problems. I suck. I really do. I should know better. She knew about April, my suckish month, for me. But I didn't string together today's date with her behavior. I hate me.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how to help her. I don't know anything, actually. Seriously, all I can think about is how much I have to cram for my English and Math final essays and how I seem to be like a robot with pieces breaking in the fact that I think my foot re-sprained and my left quadricep seems to be hurt again. Did I mention that I hate me?

What the hell am I gonna do? She seems to think she's whining. She isn't. I just want to help. I don't want her to be sad. Shit, I don't even know what I'm gonna do on the eleventh of this month. I don't think she'll even want to talk to me. I blame myself. Did you know that June eleventh of last year was my fault? Yes, it actually was. I thought I was helping. That was my intention. My intentions were of good nature, I promise. But I screwed up. I screwed up my best friends life. Aren't I just awesome? I am to blame for my best friend in the entire world's emotional trauma and all of her pain for the last year. God, I fucking hate me.

How did all of this happen, you ask? Well, for starters, I suck. That's the main reason. I tried to make everyone happy. I tried to fix the problems Sam was having. I ended up causing 10x more. How? Well, that's just the way I roll. I make things worse. I make everything worse.

Although this year and last year seemed to go extremely slow as we lived them, in hindsight, it seems like everything went ridiculously fast. Time is an illusion. Time doesn't heal everything. That's a lie. Time amplifies pain and regret and guilt. Good God, it amplifies that damn guilt.

So it's really close to June of 2009 and how do I feel? Guilty. Regretful. Saddened. Selfish. Angry. Hurt. Also I couldn't be sitting in a more awkward, uncomfortable position, icing my right foot and left thigh with the same ice pack. Ouch.

Time to start couting down moments.
Moments to June.
Wish me luck.
I'm gonna just be here for my friend, I decided.
I'm not going to try to help at all because that never ends in a positive way.
I'm just gonna be here if she needs me.